Bill Hicks : JFK Assassination Routine

Boy, I love talking about the Kennedy assassination, man. That’s my favourite topic. You know why? Because to me it’s a great example of, er, a totalitarian government’s ability to, you know, manage information and thus keep us in the dark any way they … Oh, sorry. Wrong meeting … Ah [beep]. That’s the meeting we’re having tomorrow at the docks.

I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know you can go down there and, ah, to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the School Book Depository. It’s a museum called … The Assassination Museum. I think they named that after the assassination. I can’t be too sure of the chronology here, but …

Anyway they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it’s really accurate, you know. ’Cause Oswald’s not in it.

Yeah, yeah, so wow, that’s cool. Painstaking accuracy, you know. It’s true. It’s called the ‘Sniper’s Nest’. It’s glassed in, it’s got the boxes sitting there.

You can’t actually get to the window as such but the reason they did that, of course, they didn’t want thousands of American tourists getting there each year going [Mimes looking out of window] “No [beep]ing way! I can’t even see the road. [beep], they’re lying to us. [beep]! Where are they? There’s no [beep]ing way!”

Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes, upside down from the ledge. Either that or some pigeons grabbed onto him, flew him over the motorcade … Surely someone would have seen that. You know, there was rumours of anti–Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars … Someone overhead them saying: “coup, coup, coup.”

Unbelievable. And you know what’s wild? People’s, er, attitudes in the States about it. Talking about Kennedy, people come up to me: “Bill, quit talking about Kennedy, man. Let it go. It’s a long time ago, just forget about it.” And I’m like, alright, then don’t bring up Jesus to me. As long as we’re talking shelf life here. “Bill, you know Jesus died for you.” Yeah, well, it was a long time ago. Forget about it! How about this. Get Pilate to release the [beep]ing files. Quit washing your hands, Pilate. Release the goddam files. Who else was on that grassy Golgotha that day? “Bill, it was just, you know, huh, taking over of democracy by a totalitarian government, let it go.”

Lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he’s gonna want to see a [beep]ing cross, man? “Ohhh!” May be why he hasn’t shown up yet. “Man, they’re still wearing crosses. [beep] it, I’m not goin’, Dad. No, they totally missed the point. When they start wearing fishes I might show up again, but … Let me bury fossil heads with you, Dad. [beep] ’em … Let’s [beep] with them! They’re [beep]in’ with me now, let’s get ’em. Give me that brontosaurus head, Dad.”

You know, kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know. “Thinkin’ of John, Jackie. We love him. Just tryin’ to keep that memory alive, baby.”

[Smacks his right forehead, and mimes the motion of Kennedy’s head] Back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left. Which, by the way, that action you see Kennedy’s head go through in the Zapruder film. Caused by a bullet … [turns round and points behind him] comin’ from up there. Ha! Yes, I know it looks to the layman or someone who might dabble in physics … this action here would be caused by a bullet coming from … well … [points to the front] Up here. Did you see that? Did everyone see that?

Yeah, but no. What happened was Oswald’s gun went off, causing an echo to echo through the buildings of Dealey Plaza and the echo went by the limo on the left up into the grassy knoll, hitting some leaves, causing dust to fly out which 56 witnesses testified was a gun shot, ’cause immediately … Kennedy’s head went over. But the reason his head went over is ’cause the echo went by the motorcade on the left and he went, “What was that?”

So there, we have figured it out. Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America, your government is in control again. Here, here’s American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up! Go back to bed, America, here’s American Gladiators. Here’s 56 channels of it. Watch these pituitary retards bang their [beep]in’ skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America, you are free, to do as we tell you. You are free, to do as we tell you. “Oh good! Honey, I heard on the news that they’ve figured out that the gun, what happened is, is that there was an echo and Kennedy was, er, asking Jackie what it was, and that that’s why his head flew u— Honey, what time’s Gladiators on? Are we missing it? I’m so glad we’re free, honey.”